Hi Hi, it's like hmm... Saturday night to Sunday morning... and I cannot sleep, why why why? Heehee. Oh well, I was like stoned just now, and this thought went through my mind again. It's been donkey years since I have this thought, and this thought just occurs when I am really really stress-free and I have nothing to do and I have always been wondering about this since I was a little girl.

Ever got this thought before... that everything in this world, suddenly just seems to fade away, and as you stare at your ceiling, you feel that this world is so empty, so blank, so fake, that everything is just hollow and then you start to wonder, am I real? why am I here? what am I here for? where was I before I was here? Then there's this rush of butterflies into your stomach and you felt that you are all alone, so alone, that you are left behind, that you are falling and falling and falling down and down into the deep blue sea and then you felt very suffocated and, you are still alone, in this big cold world.

So, why do I get this feeling? Then I started to pray, I asked, "why God? why? why do I get this feeling, why do I feel so alone? why can't I feel your presence? why do my friends seem so far? why does everyone just seem so distant? even I can't relate to my mom anymore, and I can't tell anyone how I feel. It is just a very funny feeling Lord, I wish that I do not exist here, it just feels so miserable. I know that I might be here for your purpose Lord, but what is it? Why do I feel so sad when nothing is even happening to me? Why does my heart seem so crumpled up, like thousands of icy piercings went through it? Why can't I breathe? Why do I have to go through so much that leave all those scars in my heart? Is it for good? The past still haunts me though I tried so hard to forget it... and there will forever be those deep ugly scars there. How can I forget? How does this shape my character? Is it suppose to make me patient and stronger? Willing and wiser? Tender and tougher? So maybe that's what you want me to be like? But still, why must I be all alone here? why can't I feel you walking close to me sometimes? why is there no one at all?"

I was thinking, should I just smile and hide my sadness while talking to God, or should I just show him my true self. Then I just cannot resist the tears that welled up in my eyes... so I just sat there and cried.

Oh well, tonight will be the first night I am starting on the New Testaments in the Bible, so maybe I can find some of my answers there...
bombed by meowmeow at 5:28 PM  0 remarks