Stressed Out

I realised that whenever I am feeling high, I never really blog?
Whenever I am feeling downcasted and frustrated... then I will blog? LOL
ermm, I was just wondering how many times have I been feeling stressed and down, and how many times have I been really happy this semester...
I think out of 20 times of feeling depressed, only once I am really happy. The advantage is, I treasure and appreciate my happy moments cos it only last for that short period of time. The feeling of being happy is so nice, but I dunno why I can't really get that feeling back anymore.
All those depressing moments do numb me after some time, and my day is just of a monotonous tone. The worst part is, subconsciously, during the night time, I just cannot sleep... I haven't been sleeping well on the weekdays for the past 5 weeks or so. Even if I sleep, either I keep dreaming or I keep hearing voices and images in my head. It's pretty disturbing cos it feels like you have not really been sleeping at all. Luckily I manage to relax myself on weekends and sleep well, at least on Friday night and Saturday night.
It feels horrible when your tutor doesn't really understand how it goes for u? And she's still pressing you on to know your anatomy and pressure u on to generate more hypotheses and learning in class to be competent physios? I mean I was soo prepared last year, but after half a year of break, everything goes down? It's so easy for her to say but I wonder if she realise it's so hard for me? Plus all my sleepless nights and the worries that I bear.
What if I fail this semester? I don't know how to answer my mom or my grandparents anymore. One other choice is to give up and take an easier course, but I won't know how to explain to my grandparents why I suddenly jump course? You know how traditional grandparents who don't know much and just listen to other gossipmongers and what other pple say? All kinds of bad shit about you from other pple just come out though you know it's not u?
So I guess now I have no choice, but to carry on with this shit that is bogging me down so much just for this semester. I just have a feeling that I might just pass this semester and as long as I pass this semester, all my other semesters in this course will be a good breeze for me.
Another 2 months plus of this stressful situation and God, sorry if I ignored u but if you are still here, please please please help me get through this semester. I just can't really take it out anymore. I have been hanging on for some time, please carry me and hold on to me and don't let me fall. Let me climb back up and sit in a stable position back again. I really feel that I am getting a mental breakdown real soon, please let me have my balance lifestyle back again. Everything feels so haywired at the moment.
I just hope it will be better this week... buck up kay, you have lotsa things to deal with at this moment.
bombed by meowmeow at 4:05 AM  0 remarks

Quarter Life Crisis

For most people, they might experience their quarter life crisis when they are twenty, no longer a teen and not yet an adult, where they cannot move forward or move backwards. For some reason they feel stuck and lost.

I guess it happened earlier for me, while I am only 19. This is the age where I am stuck, where I am lost in the life. Not moving, but just standing still with everything moving so fast in a twirl around me.

When suddenly u realise that you have no friends to talk to when u are upset, when suddenly everyone on your msn list ignores u. When suddenly no one goes with u for lunch anymore and suddenly you realise u are with this new group of strangers with unfamiliar faces around you. No one seems to bother about u or acknowledge your presence. You can't ask for directions around, or ask about the school work that you are unsure of. You can't seem to smile from your heart anymore. When u get home, you just sit alone at home, cook alone and it's just you and your presence. When u are online, no one seems to bother to play computer games with you anymore and when you go ocf, no one seems to have noticed you.

The only person you chat to is the person you loved so dearly, yet he is so far. You need so much to lean on him, yet he's not physically there. You need so much for someone to just sit beside you where you can pour out your troubles to or just occupy that feeling of loneliness, but it won't happen at the moment. How much you yearn for a hug, an encouragement, some acknowledgement, some laughter and some sense of belonging.

Suddenly you wanna ask if God is still there and if he can just lift you up and make your life better, but you know he isn't there anymore or else how did you end up like this in the first place? When you have placed so much trust and faith in him, and leave your timetable and life at his hands but after it all, you realised that it all failed, and nothing was done at all. So you decided to take it back and hopefully you can build up your life from the scratch. You know that it's going to be difficult when it has backslided from so so high above where you built it up with so much effort before. Now cos of the trust and faith you left in some other pple's hands, you have to rebuilt it again, now that it has falled so badly.

And now you have no one to trust, and faith to put in anymore. You just wished it will mould itself back high up again but you know it won't happen. When suddenly you realise, there's nothing in this world for you anymore, except for you yourself and your resilence. How hard have you been hanging in there, yet someone is trying to hard to push you back down again. How hard have you tried to spread your wings and fly yet fall back down again.

Suddenly you realise, the weather isn't as beautiful as before, life isn't as smooth-sailing as before. Things get tougher, and life becomes monotonously straight. When all your pimples start coming out and you get stressed over stuffs that you can't even sleep properly at night. When suddenly you realise that you only have one path to walk on and you aren't suppose to give up but keep pushing till it's your wits end.

When all the pressure from inside and outside gets so high but you can't explode because the pressure is acting consequently both on the inside and outside, causing so much tension yet equalizing it.

When everything gets confused and blurred out into one... When u can no longer smile, and emotions feel so numb to you. Suddenly you only know what sadness and sourness means, and the feelings of happiness has be once been lost and forgotten.

When suddenly, you don't know how to feel anymore and you don't know what to do anymore. You just feel so so tired and wonder how long more you can hang on there for.
bombed by meowmeow at 9:47 AM  0 remarks