Breaking Down
I guess I am on the verge of breaking down now
Not only my clinics and school is giving me a hard time
Even when I go home
It's so difficult.

Every weekday nights are weary and blur
from all the hard physical work
and the mental discouragement.

Every weekday night I come back to a home
where darling doesn't understand at all.
Full of ignorance and coldness
Not trying to listen my miseries
or share my heavy burden.

I tried to speak and make him listen
He does listen but doesn't show compassion
He does not even give encouraging words
or words of care or concern
All he does is crack jokes at my problems

YES, his jokes are funny, makes me laugh
but deep inside, it feels worse than ever.
It doesn't feel like I am being listened to or understood by.

All the problems are gradually accumulated deep inside me
yet I can't release them.
I don't know who to talk my heart to heart feelings to.

Almost everynight, both of us do a cold war thing.
Sometimes I don't even know if he is playing or it's for real.
It hurts very badly.
I want to cry but I can't.
All I can do is put up with whatever's happening
by putting on a sourish face
and trying to play along the cold-war thing.

When we started talking again he said he is just playing.
However somehow, the hurt is still there.
Everytime I look at his pretty face
or think of him when I am away from home,
there's always this blunt pain that goes through my heart.
It feels like my heart is trying to shrink or bleed, it's just painful...
the pain that sends waves of numbness into my arms and legs.
But I still can't help looking at his pretty face
or thinking of him when I am away from home.

I am feeling very tired.
Both physically and emotionally.
I don't know what to do anymore.

Somehow we always manage to talk again before we go to sleep,
or the next morning always appears like nothing has happened.
But the hurtful feeling is still there,
right deep in my heart.
No matter how hard I try to ignore it,
give a smile when I go out with him or talk to him,
it's still there.
Sometimes, it makes me cannot smile in front of him anymore.

Sometimes I don't know how to talk to him about it.
Because I am very sure, it will keep happening over and over again.
He will know how to brush the topic off very well
and we will take it as nothing ever happened.
We are still together, happy as ever.

But this hurtful feeling is still inside there.
Deep in my heart.
I know what has happened, but I don't know how to get rid of it.
Talking to him has never helped either.

I tried to bury myself playing maplestory.
In one way, to destress myself from the hard clinicals,
in the other way, trying to ignore this blunt pain in my heart
whenever I am close to him.
Well, it works most of the time.
The pain is just unseen and unfelt of when I maple.

To others and especially to him,
I might look like a maplefreak,
only trying to level up.
I didn't bother to explain, just sticking along to whatever he is saying.
Even if I want to explain how I am feeling
and why I am mapling like a geek,
nobody will listen or understand.
Especially darling, he will deny this fact.
I won't even want to try.

I don't know how to cope with this feeling anymore.
I really don't.
I love him, but it is getting hurtful gradually.
But I still love him very much.
bombed by meowmeow at 10:18 PM  0 remarks